No es un "Adios" es un "Hasta Luego"

Putting all these thoughts, all these emotions into coherent sentences is a whole lot harder than I thought it would be.

As I sit here, on my little green couch in my study on my last full day in Navia, I can't imagine ending this life. My suitcases are packed, my spanish flag is filled with signatures, and my passport lays on my nightstand, but still my brain doesn't register what's going on. I seem to always have the same problem. It didn't hit me that I was leaving the US until the day I said goodbye to my friends and family. I couldn't imagine seeing my parents for the first time in 7 months until I had them in my arms. So this time, why would I expect it to be any different? I can't wrap my head around the fact that in less than 24 hours, I'll be in the car on my way to Oviedo, to say goodbye to my family here in Spain, stay with my host aunt for the night, and then catch the bus early the next morning to Madrid.

I'm so glad I picked Spain as my country to study abroad. I could've gone to south america to learn spanish, and I'm sure I would've had an amazing experience, but there's something about the spanish culture. I can't put it into words. The relax, the siestas, the friendliness of strangers, the tapas, the fiestas, the loving nature of the Spaniards. It's a culture unlike any other. Now that I've adopted to this culture, I'm not going to leave behind all the things I love. Maybe somedays, you'll find me eating my lunch at 3:00 just because I feel like it. Or maybe, I'll take a little siesta after a long morning. I don't have to completely separate these two cultures that have now become a part of my life. Instead, I'm going to live a mix of the both. I know it will be hard readjusting to the american culture, but I know I can do it. I did it all by myself to a complete foreign culture, and now, I'm going to be doing it with my friends and family right behind me.

These 10 months have been the hardest 10 months of my life. Without a doubt. But they have also been so fulfilling. There were times when I didn't think I could make it. When I would've jumped right on the next plane home. But then, there were times when I would close my eyes, and think, "I'm so lucky." And thankfully, those times were more common than the others. An important thing I learned, is that this is my life. hahaha I know it sounds corny, but really. There are moments that suck, moments that are unreal, and moments so beautiful I wish I could relive them over and over again. All in all, this life is what I make it. It's in my control.

Yes, I am sad to leave this all behind, but I also think what it means that I'm returning home. It means a group of ten crazy best friends will finally be reunited. It means that a grandmother will soon be able to hug her only granddaughter again. It means that a mom and a dad who have lived "childless" for 10 months, will have both their kids under the same roof. It means I'll be able to learn how to drive, and eat all the food I've missed in these 10 months. It means that although it's hard, it's worth it.

There are no words I can say, or write, or even think of, to express how grateful I am to everyone who has helped me along the way. Friends, family, spanish, american, whoever you are, know that I wouldn't have made it without you. Special thanks to my two families. My spanish family, Bea, Suso, Javier and Lucia for being so loving and welcoming to me these 8 months. And to my american family, for being so supportive and strong for me when I most needed it. I hope one day, we can get all 8 of us under the same roof.

So for the last time from my little green couch in Spain,
Besos,
Martha

Am I fluent?

One of the most common questions I get asked by people in the US is, "So, are you fluent yet?" I find myself asking the same question, but I'm not sure how to reply. Yes it's true that for the past 9 months I've been living in Spain, technically by myself. I converse every single day from 7:30am to 11:30pm in Spanish (ok maybe more like 8:30 because I'm a zombie in the morning). Actually, the only English I ever speak is in English class, my bilingual ethics class, or online, talking to friends or family back home. Most of the music I listen to is now in Spanish, and in my free time, I've started reading a love story called, "El cielo está en cualquier lugar" (The sky is everywhere). So all this, but at the same time, I'm hesitant to throw out the word, fluent.

The thing is, even though I can talk to just about anyone, anywhere, in any situation, I still make a ton of mistakes. My Spanish teacher is patient with me, and grades my tests with an understanding mind, but I still see her nervous pen marks changing gender errors, adding accents, or correcting verb tenses. I understand most of what I hear on the daily news channel if I pay attention, but if I zone out, I completely miss it. After all this time, I still don't get the jokes of the comedy channel that we sometimes watch, although I can follow along with the pictures. My history teacher asks me to read sometimes in class because he says he loves to hear my american accent. I live in a world of Spanish but I still have gaps in my understanding.

So what makes someone fluent? According to google, fluent can be defined as;  Able to speak or write a particular foreign language easily and accurately. But who can measure "easily" and "accurately"? If that means without making any mistakes, then I can name a handfull of Americans I know who wouldn't fall into the category of fluent in English with all the grammar mistakes they make. Also, what is "easily"? Some days, I'm so talkative I feel like I could spark a conversation with just about anyone, but some days, I can't even find a few words to say during lunch because my brain feels like a fluffy cloud of nothingness. 

So you see my dilemma. 

To answer this question as honestly as I can, yes, I can speak in Spanish and yes I understand basically everything (minus the punchline to the joke), and yes, reading and writing aren't hard for me. It could be my personality, or my vague understanding of the word, but I would still hesitate to call myself fluent. 

Maybe I've just learnt that it's an ongoing process. Just like I learn new English words everyday, even when I've spoken the language for about 16 years, I'll continue learning spanish as long as I put the effort in. It's impossible to assume I could grasp the equivalent of 16 years of knowledge in just 10 months, but hey, I'm definitely a lot closer to that goal of "fluent". Or maybe, my criteria is completely wrong and I really am fluent. Sería cojonudo. 

Well, fluent or not, I'm still here, and I'm still learning. Going to make the most of these last three weeks I have left.